I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
