I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize