I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
