Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
