Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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