Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
