She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
