you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
