I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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