You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
