I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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