I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize