I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
