He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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