he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
