guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come see our sink grown plant.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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