saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
