Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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