Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
