Plan B is the new Plan A
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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