I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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