1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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