I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my being single is dangerous.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
