you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
