...so i touched it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
