my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have fence marks all over my body
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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