I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize