I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
