Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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