she woke up with a sticky ear
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
