So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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