we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
