He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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