but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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