It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
