Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
