I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
