Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
