I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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