did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
