I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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