Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize