the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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