my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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