This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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