Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
