I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
