jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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