I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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