census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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