dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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