it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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