How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
