Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
