12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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