My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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