no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
