I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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