I can text with my tongue
it was like his penis was on wheels.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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