one two three fourrrrnication!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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