saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
