too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
